How to Guide Your Teen As They Search For Identity
During the teen years, youth are beginning to form their own personal identity. Everything and everyone will be competing for them to join the ranks of clubs, teams, and youth groups. Every genre of music, fashion, and art will be shouting “come be one of us!”. So how do you help your young teen navigate these waters? How do you help them search for their identity while keeping them safe from trends and groups that may only have their own wallets in mind?
God made us each unique. We each have a purpose, like an apple tree. It was created to grow, bloom, and bear fruit. And it does. And as it does, it honors the one who made it. But the apple tree doesn’t have to wonder if it is supposed to bear apples. It just does it. People, on the other hand, are confronted constantly with others who are trying to define our purpose for us. We are born into an identity crisis. So we must give our kids the tools they need to discover their own purpose, and not let others define it for them.
The first step is to make sure that your kid knows that you love and accept them as they are. Quirks and all. Especially whatever is “weird” about them. This means even if your little math wiz wasn’t good at math, or sports, or art, or reading, you would STILL like them, love them, and accept them. If your child doesn’t understand that they belong in their own home, they will search for belonging in groups that can define their identity for them. Does your kid want to run barefoot in the grass and smell every flower they see? Encourage them to do it.
Next, you must help them understand that the only one who can define their identity is God, and they themselves. Nobody else gets to do that. There is no need to find one “label” and make it who they are. For example: they can sing without being a singer. They can love rock and mozart and country music all at the same time. They can play sports and also paint landscapes. They do not have to belong to one single group or area of interest to be happy. They must understand that their identity is a combination of their unique interests and passions, not one particular label or group’s standards of belonging.
Next, focus on giving your kids things to say when they are confronted. One way to do this is to practice conversations with your teen so they know what to say when someone challenges their identity. You can pretend to be their friends and say, “that’s not what softball players do” and then teach your teen that they can respond with, “well, I play softball, and I also love ballet. So that’s what this softball player does.” You could also have them write these things down, if they prefer that. Don’t worry if they think this is a “stupid” thing to do. Deep down they are listening to what you’re teaching them and it will empower them with tools to define themselves, rather than being defined by their peers and media.
Last but the opposite of least, don’t forget the importance of helping them understand that they are loved by God exactly as they are, that they were created with unique gifts and talents, and that what God desires for them is to live with that beauty. They will feel most free when they are themselves. An apple tree gives God glory when it bears fruit because that is what it was created to do. In the same way we give God glory when we live into our own purpose as well. Finding that happens when we let God into our lives and ask Him to show us who we are.
